I’ve written before about grieving with ADHD, something I’ve experienced a number of times throughout my life, but never so intensely as when my dad passed.
ADHD grief is complicated by the fact that our reactions can be out of line with our emotions.
Also? The long-term processing of grief seems somewhat inhibited by the fact that we can go through great stretches of forgetting our recently departed loved one. When we do remember them, the guilt over forgetting and the rush of sorrow can overwhelm us.
The back and forth between the normalcy that returns upon forgetting and the surprise deluges of grief left me feeling emotionally and physically drained.
I would love for more ADHDers to talk about their experiences with grief because I suspect there are some differences in how we cope compared to neurotypical folks. If that’s the case, it would be helpful to know what our “normal” looks like.
Since late April, I’ve been dealing with a kind of grief I haven’t had to deal with many times in my life: a grief borne of the end of a long-term relationship.
In my case, the end of our 15-year marriage.
It’s been five months and the grieving process has been intermittent. The business of life occupies the forefront of my attention most of the time, until something reminds me of our marriage.
And when it hits me, it HITS ME.
Most recently, it hit me when I was listening to the “High Fidelity” soundtrack1, which I had forgotten was a movie all about breakups.
The song2 was by one of my all-time faves:
I’m at the point in the separation where living without her has become “normal” … most of the time.
And so I’m sitting on the back porch working on my laptop as the rainclouds literally gather overhead when this song comes on. I couldn’t help but listen and every verse resonated so hard with me that I started sobbing.
These episodes have diminished over time, but when I’m overcome with grief, it’s just as intense as the first time I felt it. It’s an ugly wound healing slowly.
I’ve grieved relationships before, but this was the relationship that was supposed to last forever. That’s a different kind of grief and it’s new to me entirely. Is this what grieving is like for everyone?
I can’t help but wonder what impact the out-of-sight-out-of-mind phenomenon has on ADHD grief. It’s easy for me to compartmentalize my emotional struggles because I naturally forget the struggle exists.
But does that help or hinder the grieving process? And does the ability to remember your grief mean that over time the intensity subsides?
I don’t have the answers to this. But after listening to this episode of “Think” on NPR, I felt a lot better about how I’ve handled the past few months. I don’t want to botch a summary of the subject matter, but if you’re going through a breakup/separation you will definitely want to listen.
And if you need a chaser for the depressing Bob Dylan song, this other great selection from “High Fidelity,” which balances out the grief with a dash of hope. And we all need that.
If you are and you have ADHD, what has your experience been like? How long have you been grieving and how has that process gone? If you’ve gone through it before, what helped you heal in time? What wisdom have you acquired that we might learn from?
If you haven’t listened to the soundtrack, you should give it a whirl.
I suggest reading the lyrics too. They’re simple, but moving.