PROOFING IS FOR SUCKERS WHO FAILED PHONICS!
I recently shared a small victory I had in bouncing back from rejection at the comedy club to perform my set.
I’ve written a LOT about rejection sensitivity over the years and for the most part it’s been a consistent story with reliable variations, one of which Neuroclastic illustrated (and wrote about) brilliantly.
The other cycle of rejection sensitivity that becomes insidious is that people learn how to socialize by having friends, but since ADHDers experience significantly more rejection by their peers, this means we miss out on those lessons, which makes us less adherent to social norms, which makes us more rejected, and so on.
And then there’s the worst cycle of all … the one where you think you’ve made a new friend » things start to get kinda weird » friend starts to phase you out.
That’s the cycle that crushes me every time. And with each ride around the cycle, I get just a little more and more jaded and misanthropic about my ability to make and maintain friendships.
In the case of my comedy rejection, I could feel a new cycle beginning, where I felt loathed and disdained, so it’s not even worth trying to get on stage.
After a moment of self-recrimination, I decided that I’m done letting rejection push me to the periphery of society. I’m not there to make friends, I’m there to see if I can make people laugh.
But how do I ignore a lifetime of feeling pushed aside and just do the thing I *want* to do?
Honestly? I make a concerted effort to not give a shit. I’m not there for them. I’m there to see if I can make people laugh.
And it is a hard thing for me to realize that people dislike me. It happens enough that It’s an expected reaction, but it’s still no less painful when I can feel myself being left out.
But you know what else helps? Having just one friend. My friend Matt came with me to the show, which meant I could go on stage. Having him there made me feel less self-conscious and concerned about the other comedians. Maybe they hate me, maybe they don’t, but Matt doesn’t and that’s enough.
Theres’s research on ADHD and dyadic relationships in kids helping 1 protect against the effects of peer rejection. Well, I'm pretty sure that dynamic extends into adulthood.
Few of us are COMPLETELY unliked. Most of us are just an acquired taste that usually other neurodivergents pick up on. We can have healthy, happy relationships, but it’s often going to be with someone else who is, in the immortal words of the Late, Great John Prine, “forced … to live in his[/her/their] head.”
Find the other weirdos who can help you maintain your perspective on what does and does not matter. There are a SHITLOAD of people who won’t understand you or accept you as you are. You’re too much, too loud, too weird. AND THAT’S OKAY.
Find those people and be content with them. Same with your neurodivergent children. They don’t need a TON of friends, they just need one reliable friend. That’s it. Help them find that.
Because I guarantee that everybody out there has somebody else out there who will appreciate them as is. And that’s what we all need: to feel appreciated.
With that feeling, you can conquer whatever challenge you set for yourself, including writing a demonstrably funny (e.g., people laughed) comedy set about one of the most controversial topics of our time at your second performance after the first completely bombed.
And now? I set myself another challenge and I focus on accomplishing that. What to join me in my quest to learn how to relent less? Subscribe.
Okay, usually I’d link to it, but tonight I’m half-assing it again. BUT AT LEAST THERE’S CONTENT!